# The Black Goat with a Thousand Young

 

 
 

Behold! The horrible minions of The Black Goat with a Thousand Young. Flee in terror at the mere sound of their names!

Slow Target -Da Bien- Duke of URL
Kelroy Beshwa- Ronin- Sharp Eleven
- Harm- Myo- Trizo- Shaber- Smidgen

"Ia! Shubnikkurat! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young!"

Slow TargetSlow Target
Aliases: Convict #112478A
Job: Grand Viceroy of the evil petting zoo and paranoid system administrator
Future Ambition: To drive the short bus.

Tactical Notes: A fast aim and is surprisingly good at appearing out of nowhere, shooting opponents in the back - a most admirable talent. A real MacGyver type with weaponry. When he was just a little Pod Person, he was suspended from school for 3 days for building a working nuclear reactor (his science project) out of aluminum foil and Popsicle sticks. It was rumored he was attempting to make weapons-grade plutonium to sell to unknown parties.

Goat's Notes: Slow Target - a strange and precarious balance between suppressed insanity and logical reasoning. Dreams of owning a chain of drive-through guns & liquor stores. Likes surprises as long as you tell him in advance. (It upsets the voices in his head.) Claims to be able to "hear" airline pilots talking to the tower from his computer speakers. Despite being obviously addicted to corn bread, claims he can "stop anytime" he wants to. (Possible intervention required.) Has insincerely vowed to name his first three offspring: War, Pestilence, and Plague - that is, if Pod People can successfully breed with humans. The Goat and the rest of the crew are waiting for him to go coo-coo for cocoa puffs. It should be a good show, but mind you, the Goat is not going to clean up the ensuing mess. That's Da Bien's job.

Famous Quote: "Is it normal when the voices in your head crescendo in unison demanding that you slaughter your teammates?"

Last seen: Wearing purple priestly robes, whispering to the server in soothing tones, "soon my pretty..."

Da BienDa Bien
Aliases: Too many to list
Job: Top defender and clean-up crew
Future Ambition: To discover the secret recipe of Spam.

Tactical Notes: Adapts his playing styles quickly to teammates who play in a strategic manner. Patient. Plays well with others. The responsible one who rescues hostages rather than shooting them at point blank range.

Goat's Notes: Likes to heat office spaces with old, near defunct computers. One of the more sane players on the team - after he's had 5 of 6 cups of coffee. Enjoys fragging opponents to the squeal of an freshly cleaned espresso machine. He has a small army of loyal followers addicted to his prescription strength coffee that is reportedly so strong it allows imbibers to see straight into the future. Can make a Solaris box coredump just by issuing a change directory command. Always willing to sacrifice for the team - Da Bien, the responsible one.

Famous quote: "How come you guys always make me deactivate the bomb? Hey wait! Where are you guys going?"

Last seen: Nervously standing in the supermarket's 10 items or less check-out line with 14 shopping carts of Skippy peanut butter.

Duke of URLDuke of URL

Aliases: RadioSilence, Operator, Mr. Flibble
Job: Chief Regent of The Black Goat with a Thousand Young. Llama hunter extraordinare.
Future Ambition: To not hit head while boarding the short bus.

Tactical Notes: One of the original members of the now defunct Shin-808, along with the Hawaiian legends Moo and Yoda. Specializes in generalizing. Known to run point using the Artic Warfare Magnum as an assault rifle. Faster than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country. Fearsome.

Goat's Notes: Known to lose track of reality while gaming. Somehow able to devote all higher cortical and cerebral functioning to gaming, leaving critical mid and lower brain functioning to do essential biological background processing. One big fast-action muscle twitch fiber. Thinks Hostess Ho-Ho's are "yummy." Known to arrogantly snort at opponents in mid-game. Openly resented by his teammates, held in enmity by his opponents, and hated by blind stray dogs. Loathed not for his FPS skill, but only for the reason that he's so unlikable. Duke of URL's birth was prophesied long ago in ancient times, whereupon cults of malevolence and hatred were formed to conspire against him. It is rumored that [AMP]Private Pile secretly leads a shadowy cabal of men who endlessly chant of their misanthropy towards the "Despicable One." Strangely, Duke of URL prefers it that way. When asked if he hates all those who despise him, he replied that he might, if he gave them any thought.

Famous Quote: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

Last Seen: Eating Slow Target's last piece of corn bread.

KelroyKelroy
Aliases: The Human Shield
Job: Cannon fodder
Future Ambition: To achieve world peace while looking poised.

Tactical Notes: A mad man with a knife, a terror with grenades, and a jack of all trades. Cursed by friendly fire ever since a freak childhood accident involving large magnets ("The Curse of Kelroy").

Goat's Notes: So pathetic he joined the team for a box of sugar coated raisins. Too bad he missed the microdot in the "i" of the signing contract. (We'll save the details for him later.) Has absolutely no qualms about killing hostages - even if he is a counter terrorist. Slow Target seems to like that for some sick reason, giggling and muttering something about "more practice hiding bodies."

Famous Quote: "The hostage jumped in front of me! Honest! I only shot him 5 or 6 times. Is that bad? Really? Nobody told me."

Last seen: Obliterating the enemy with a grenade while drinking a chilled glass of San Cere, which is just sick. Everyone knows that red wine goes with grenades.

BeshwaBeshwa
Aliases: Rootus-Rootus Maximus
Job: Provide us with witty banter
Future Ambition: To be a 1337 Script-Kiddie.

Tactical Notes: Can type insults at 60 WPM while doing a 180 rocket jump into a thick melee. Known to get hyper-active when wielding the auto-shotgun.

Goat's Notes: Fueled by curries and vegetarian burritos. Can revive aging Cisco AGS+ router fans with the mere audible tones of his sound-effect enhanced voice. The last 9th degree plaid belt in the secretive aardvark style martial arts school. Tried marketing a bumper sticker to the SPCA that read "Squirrels, nature's little speed bumps." A human manifestation of chaos, having a knack for "inadvertently" grenading his own teammates. The Goat hopes Beshwa will stick around for entertainment's sake.

Famous Quote: "Ping! Ping! Vrooom, Ka-POW. Hmm, what? What are you all looking at Comrades? Hmm, I feel the overwhelming urge to throw this grenade, stand still."

Last seen: "Borrowing" Slow Target's only wheel mouse from his secret hardware stash.

RoninRonin
Aliases: Serial #14XG45793-BX2, The Zygote
Job: Annihilate non-minions
Future Ambition: To destroy all living creatures and rule the world with his computer brethren.

Tactical Notes: Rather accurate with assault rifles despite only having huge metallic claws.

Goat's Notes: Ronin is a sentient artificial intelligence that was originally coded in a DARPA lab by a hacker hopped up on caffeine and thin-mint cookies. Ronin got bored and transferred himself to a stolen GE prototype bomb squad robot. The minions found Ronin in a Las Vegas casino scaring innocent cocktail waitresses. He was enticed to join for a crate of WD-40 and a future filled with opportunities for wanton destruction. Don't ask him about the metaphysical dichotomy of being a ronin and a minion. He only gets cranky.

Famous Quote: "010100010010010101010101000000001010010110011001"

Last seen: Trying to chat up a brand new Whirlpool washing machine in Sears.

Sharp ElevenSharp Eleven
Aliases: Paddington Bear, Lagamuffin
Job: Absent minded/depressed elementary school crossing guard.
Future Ambition: None. Musicians having future ambitions - preposterous!

Tactical Notes: Being immune to the fog of war and having near effortless aim, Sharp Eleven makes an excellent teammate, offering first class front line support. World class AK skills. Has similar warfare styles as the Duke of URL.

Goat's Notes: Sharp Eleven was once a peace loving hippie musician who worked in a local animal shelter, volunteering to water the ferns while playing music to the shelters four-legged inhabitants to aid their digestion. Sharp is now a ruthless mercenary with a taste for working with the progressive elements. Sharp was driven mad after imbibing a risky combination of herbal life tea and wheat grass juice while trying to unjam the Xerox machine after using low grade recycled paper. In the end, Sharp fixed the problem with 5 kilos of C4 plastic explosives, leaving behind a new local swimming hole which he aptly named: "Lake WoBeGone." The FBI has been after him ever since on charges of bad taste. Nobody seemed to miss the 14 constipated stray cats named "Snuggles." It's rumored that Snuggles #5 escaped the blast and has been hunting Sharp Eleven down ever since.

Famous Quote: "I will finish the job. Snuggles #5 must die."

Last seen: Looking cool in a jazz hangout pretending to be Brad Mehldau.

Harm
Aliases: Mini-Ronin
Job: Avoids work at all cost.
Future Ambition: To be a gun-toting government thug.

Tactical Notes: A quiet student of Ronin, emulating his styles, while ignoring his more chaotic mannerisms. Nowhere near as vindictive as Ronin, lacking the signature whiplash temper.

Goat's Notes: Faces the daily horror of living in the same abode as Ronin. At one time concerned minions, having not heard from Harm in over three days (and being aware of the horrible, bloody fate Ronin's last housemate fell to) broke into his house in search of Harm. They proceeded to drink all of Ronin's beer, and finally spotted Harm's feet sticking out from a giant pile of tattered rags (complete with nappy old Raiders blanket). It turned out that Harm had decided to take a long nap. Harm apparently disdains the Western notion of a mattress bed. Ronin was found in the back room talking concernedly to one of his many pet knives he keeps lying about "just in case." Harm's a hypochondriac, but has problems remembering his doctor's name and number. It's rumored that he hoards vast quantities of Sunny Delight in his fridge. Despite the fact that Harm is a Raiders fan, he was granted membership into the minions.

Famous Quote: "Suck it Trebek"

Last seen: Purchasing a 7-11 Slurpee with his credit card, vainly hoping not to go over his limit.

Myo
Aliases: IllustriousOne
Job: Token Texan, instructing the minions on the subtle intricacies and nuances of Texan profanity.
Future Ambition: To get a real manly wallet. He carries a ladies coin purse around because his girlfriend "accidentally ran his wallet through the washing machine."

Tactical Notes: Good with the AK. Excellent positioning and teamwork. Myo is one of the few minions who can shoot better in real-life than he can in Counter-Strike. (Don't let him get started on the beauty of the two-trigger system on the real Aug.) He also knows all about how real-world flash bangs work, but don't ask him how or why.

Goat's Notes: Talks to himself over his single broken walkie-talkie. Has a curiously strong fear of/aversion to Post-It Notes. He's the only minion who can honestly say he was on the high school meat judging team (cattle beef). Tortures officemates with old Hank Williams music while serenely munching on ArrowRoot cookies, "Babies First Cookie!" Myo's last officemate mysteriously disappeared and was replaced by a severed ram's head. He still plays staring games with the ram's head, despite the fact he loses every time. Myo is frighteningly proficient at communicating with his peers using only 80's jingles and sitcom theme songs. All the other minions loved Myo's suggestion of an extremely cruel initiation rite involving singing "The Yellow Rose of Texas" in front of a group of drunken barflies from the local cowboy bar while carrying a claw hammer in a most ungracious manner. It's too bad he'll be the first new initiate to endure the awful horror -- even though it's rumored that Beshwa begged and pleaded to take his place.

Famous Quote: "I'm a big fan of that"

Last seen: At a local McDonalds, eating a Big Mac hamburger one layer at a time.

Trizo
Aliases: The Antiques Road Show Whipping Boy
Job: Range master. YATM (Yet Another Texan Minion).
Future Ambition: Make an obscene amount of money.

Tactical Notes: Loves to rush, but has the intelligence to allow blood-lusted Kelroy to charge past him first (human shield factor). Trizo, along with Myo (and all true Texans), was born holding a gun. He works well with the MP5, being a "big fan" of the H&K line of firearms. Trizo has been known to shoot multiple ducks out the air while singing "meat is murder." Despite all his real world experience with firearms and weaponry, Trizo, unfortunately, throws flash-bangs like a girl.

Goat's Notes: Trizo is a particularly interesting minion case study. Formative childhood years: Trizo was nursed on beer. His first words were "ROGER THAT!" At age eight he unwittingly killed, prepared, and ate his mom's pet squirrel after going on a back-yard hunting expedition with his father. At the age of nine, Trizo watched in horror while his younger brother was carried off by a giant Texas mosquito.
Youth: Educated at a "sassy" New York school for really smart people. Learned to speak several languages fluently, including English, Chevy Chase-isms, and Upper Spevolvian.
Current status: Has a manly blue fawn Chihuahua dog named Chloe, whom he says is like a "little deer." Trizo collects antiques, wears purple shirts, is an artist, and previously owned a Jetta. Trizo claims it was a "tactical" Jetta because it was jet black. He also irons his clothes and uses shower salts. On weekends, he spends his time making salmon croquettes with Martha Stewart (she's jealous of his antiques). Despite all his "curious" individual characteristics, Trizo is definitely a straight-and-narrow heterosexual manly man. He has a strange penchant/fetish for "the chicks with the big teeth" a la Julia Roberts. Don't question him or he'll pick you up off the ground with one hand and beat you senseless with the other hand.

Famous Quote: "That makes me tense."

Last seen: Carefully taking aim at the back of the Chief Regent's head.

Shaber
Aliases: KGB Agent #34752, Crazy Ivan
Job: KGB Directorate of Black Goat Monitoring Station Alpha, Mover of UPSs.
Future Ambition: Finish memorizing the American Slang Dictionary.

Tactical Notes: Shaber, aka Crazy Ivan , checks his "six-o'clock" more often than a nervous mouse on medicinal grade cocaine. He's fast on the aim, on-target with the long shots, methodical, and paranoid. Unnaturally talented with the Kalashnikov. He does have one vice: using de_dust as a giant kill-points generator.

Goat's Notes: It has been theorized that the fall of the Soviet Union was faked in order to allay the fears of a paranoid Chief Regent that Shaber is actually a KGB spy sent to monitor the minions. It's far more plausible that the Soviet Union did fall and that Shaber just felt like moving to some place where he could get some sunshine. He's the only minion who can honestly say he's from Siberia. Soviet trained with the AK. He once landed three separate paper targets quite nicely with one full-auto burst from his AK. Don't mess with the Shaber. He's doing his part to educate his fellow minions on all things Russian. Thus far he's trained the minions on the proper pronunciation of 'Stolichnaya' and on how to use a frozen husky as a club to fend off angry polar bears.

Famous Quote: "Ehhhh, euahhh, hmmm, so do I really have to carry this 63 pound lead-acid battery on top of my head through the obstacle course with the flaming hoops to get the job? Yeah? Okay."

Last seen: Walking past a KGB dead-drop trying to look inconspicuous in his Babushka disguise.

Smidgen
Aliases: Goldfinger, Prospector, Claim Jumper
Job: Wheelman for local leprechaun mafia.
Future Ambition: Strike it rich.

Tactical Notes: Likes to hang out on cs_747 and as_oilrig and sweep the floor with the poor clueless newbies. Good at working up close and personal with the enemy. Expert in all NATO and Warsaw pact small arms. Government trained with a few select "WMD" (rumors detail these weapons to be raw cabbage and hot dogs).

Goat's Notes: Smidgen likes to exude an image of being a big cuddly wuvvy teddy bear, friendly, nice to everyone, always having other people's interest at heart. His true inner nature is revealed by his daily habits. Smidgen has gold fever. Say the word "gold" in his presence and his eyes get big as saucers and he starts spitting and sputtering the words "MINE, ALL MINE! My Precious, my Precious..." He pans for gold, interperets old maps for where to prospect, and sometimes refines recycled materials to extract precious metals. Besides gold, Smidgen has an odd assortment of other hobbies, most of which involve getting rich quick, brewing beer, dynamite fishing, playing and composing music. He used to breed expensive cats in his spare time, which was odd, because he hates cats and spent a considerable portion of his youth chasing them for entertainment. When not thinking about gold, Smidgen sits peacfully, playing and composing music while thinking happy thoughts. His favorite fruit is watermelon.

Famous Quote: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Huh? BWAHAHAHA!!!"

Last seen: Looking dejected, trying to figure out why Sharp's hand-me down computer hardware has failed for the fourth time today.